She snorts, amused. Not a bad way to get to the top, really. Butcher feels less amusing, her little smile fading as she talks:
“Some shit went down at home for him and I told him to put some effort into the graduation thing. He got real nasty with me.” She rolls her eyes. She shouldn’t have pushed him, probably. “A couple weeks later he had some epiphany and decided to do just that, but his apology blew and he’s been real patronizing since, so...”
She shrugs. After Joel, sticking by someone marginally more open but equally distant doesn’t feel worth it, but maybe she’s bitter, too. She feels bitter.
"Yeah, if he knows what's good for him," she replies. She doubts her awful taste in men is even remotely relevant to her being here, so: "It's his problem, not mine, so I'm just going to keep my distance for a bit."
Tess nods, and lets silence hang there for a beat. Much as she’d rather talk about this than the bullshit she’s been up to, it feels hideous to stew on it, drinking coffee like it’s an average hangout. She purses her lips.
“Not always fun for you, though, when I think about me first.”
"The present is all that really matters," she replies. It's all fine to talk about the future in the abstract, where she'll go, what she'll do, but it feels about as real as chatting with Joel about an imaginary vacation. "And I know how petty that is."
"Don't know that it's petty. You live from day to day long enough, maybe you stop being able to imagine things like that. The future is for other people."
He looks into his coffee and takes a sip.
"But it ain't. The present matters, but so does the future."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that," she replies. "I could plan for the future all I want, it doesn't do anything to get me there if I've got no control over what happens in the middle."
He shakes his head. "You know I understand that. Planning big, and keep getting blindsided by Pinkertons, or the weather, or other people fucking up. I always wondered if it was just the magnitude of the plans, gettin' in the way of things."
"I know," she replies. "But I'm just getting by with what I need, and getting blindsided just happens sometimes. As long as you get out alive, you can put the rest behind you.""
"No," she replies. She can't imagine growing up dodging violence and ever changing that –– every child she's encountered since the outbreak has only been worse for it, far more miserable than any kid she'd known growing up. Something like that seems set in stone. "When?"
It catches him off-guard. He thought he had been planning for the future, despite their jokes about the subject earlier. Planning John's future - thinking about Tess' - isn't that good enough?
He falters a little and nudges his coffee cup, for the pleasure of watching the black liquid ripple. "I... I know what I want. What I like doin', in life."
"Yeah, and I'm sure you could survive as some wilderness man, hunting to eat and trading whenever you need a new pair of jeans," she replies. God knows people still live that way in her time. "But I know what I like to do, too. That's not the same as planning for the future."
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"Easiest way to get to the top - kill off your competition," he says, with a wry little smile.
"Shame 'bout Butcher. What's he done?"
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“Some shit went down at home for him and I told him to put some effort into the graduation thing. He got real nasty with me.” She rolls her eyes. She shouldn’t have pushed him, probably. “A couple weeks later he had some epiphany and decided to do just that, but his apology blew and he’s been real patronizing since, so...”
She shrugs. After Joel, sticking by someone marginally more open but equally distant doesn’t feel worth it, but maybe she’s bitter, too. She feels bitter.
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"Better get his head out of ass," Arthur grumbles. He isn't too invested in Tess' sex life, but patronizing is bound to get on her nerves.
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"And no one else recently made his way into your top ten? No new arrivals?"
He isn't great at gossip, but he wants to know what's going on.
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"There are an awful lotta people here who end up finding someone here. Seems like that would just be more confusing than less."
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"Won't be me. I'll worry about that shit later."
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"You're number one," he repeats, not for the first time. "Good."
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“Not always fun for you, though, when I think about me first.”
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"That depends on the way you're puttin' yourself first," he points out. "You're workin' on the future, or just messing around in the present?"
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"Don't know that it's petty. You live from day to day long enough, maybe you stop being able to imagine things like that. The future is for other people."
He looks into his coffee and takes a sip.
"But it ain't. The present matters, but so does the future."
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"I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that," she replies. "I could plan for the future all I want, it doesn't do anything to get me there if I've got no control over what happens in the middle."
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He shakes his head. "You know I understand that. Planning big, and keep getting blindsided by Pinkertons, or the weather, or other people fucking up. I always wondered if it was just the magnitude of the plans, gettin' in the way of things."
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"I always thought like that," he agrees. "From when I was a kid, duckin' out underneath my daddy's fists. You know when it changed?"
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"When that doctor told me I had tuberculosis. That I oughta find somewhere warm and nice to convalesce. When I figured out I was gonna die."
He leans forward, cup of coffee totally forgotten.
"I couldn't look back, and I couldn't look forward, until I thought I was no longer going to be a part of the world."
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"And you're still barely planning for your own future," she points out. "Just other people's. Abigail's. Jack's, John's. Mine."
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It catches him off-guard. He thought he had been planning for the future, despite their jokes about the subject earlier. Planning John's future - thinking about Tess' - isn't that good enough?
He falters a little and nudges his coffee cup, for the pleasure of watching the black liquid ripple. "I... I know what I want. What I like doin', in life."
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He grimaces, aware she's right. "I don't think I can keep on goin' travellin' every which way. But settling ain't too easy, neither."
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"I ain't that much of a loner that I could be happy all on my own," he agrees. "Besides. I won't away from all the danger, not closer to it."
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