She doesn’t pull away. It doesn’t feel like a massive revelation either, but maybe that’s on how overwhelming it is to consider being anywhere in the universe, anywhere at all, and still treating life like it’s winner take all.
And apprehension, maybe, at abandoning something she’s good at when there’s little alternative lined up.
“It’s okay,” she replies. “It was just... shooting Edward, and I had a conversation with Ellie and realized how broken she is. And that stupid ranch, it was boring but it was a life where I was surviving on my own terms and not watching the world around me shrink...”
She shakes her head. She feels hideous somehow, the list of things happening to her mounting, the ability to do anything with it just out of reach.
“And you’ve been crazy patient through all this. I know I’m not exactly open.”
"That's the plan," she agrees. There's something unreal about that, trying to figure out what to do next... ideally for the rest of her life. "I can't remember the last time I planned for anything further than six months ahead of me, and even that was generous."
"What you end up doin' the first six months, or first couple years, don't have to be what you have to do the rest of your life. Just - thinkin' ahead a little more than usual might be wise."
Plans on top of plans. A year ago she might have been able to pluck together a plan on the fly, but this feels like too much. A call to plan when she has no idea where she'll be in weeks, let alone months or years.
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momijizukamori
no subject
And apprehension, maybe, at abandoning something she’s good at when there’s little alternative lined up.
“It’s okay,” she replies. “It was just... shooting Edward, and I had a conversation with Ellie and realized how broken she is. And that stupid ranch, it was boring but it was a life where I was surviving on my own terms and not watching the world around me shrink...”
She shakes her head. She feels hideous somehow, the list of things happening to her mounting, the ability to do anything with it just out of reach.
“And you’ve been crazy patient through all this. I know I’m not exactly open.”
no subject
"That's got nothin' to do with anythin'. I'm honored to be able to help you at all, so it's - it's good, when you open up at all."
He means it. His thumb rubs small circles over her knuckles.
"Those things all came together for you, made you realize - you wanna do somethin'?"
no subject
That touch feels nice. Soothing.
“I don’t want to live like that anymore.”
no subject
"Without hope for something better?"
He understands that. Hope is indispensable.
no subject
A pause.
"But I'm good at it. And I can't walk away from what I'm good at if I don't have something else lined up."
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"So that's the plan, then. You find something else you're good at, somethin' hopeful."
no subject
"That's the plan," she agrees. There's something unreal about that, trying to figure out what to do next... ideally for the rest of her life. "I can't remember the last time I planned for anything further than six months ahead of me, and even that was generous."
no subject
"What you end up doin' the first six months, or first couple years, don't have to be what you have to do the rest of your life. Just - thinkin' ahead a little more than usual might be wise."
no subject
She breathes out, long and slow.
"Easier said than done, but I'll try."